V-Day Part 1: Winter Enthusiasm

Flowers are so pretty aren't they? You know how flowers contain pollen and how bees use that pollen to stimulate the reproductive processes of other plants? Well thats what I was trying to think about today. I was trying to forget about the fact that today was the sixth day of the sixth month in this being the sith year of the 21st Century. Hmm 666. Not a great day for a doctors appointment, but I was confident, I was positive, I was determined, I was....a bit worried actually. What if it was going to be a problem? What if the devil has planned this all along? Are my testicles evil??? When I sign the 'consent to sterilisation' form, would i be selling my soul instead? I thought about how some people had thought that today the world would end, and I suddenly thought that this theory was flawed. If it was going to end, on which side of the world would it end first??? Anyway...

The way people talk so freely about vasectomy these days, it almost gives you the impression that it (vasectomy) is an object rather than a medical procedure. I was almost disappointed to hear that you couldn't get one off the shelf at the local Amcal. As I have learned, there is a lot more to vasectomy than meets the eye (or any other part of the anatomy).

I guess that you could say that I have been 'shopping' around, you know trying to find the best deals... No two for one deals to be found on offer, but a considerable difference in the waiting times (and the quality of reading material available) at different surgeries. I have arranged several doctors appointments in the past couple of months and today I visited my 3rd doctor: the second general surgeon (for a second opinion). Now I know what you're probably thinking but hey, I have copped a bit of flack over the whole "shopping trip" kind of approach to medical advice. But guess what? It has paid off. Not only did I find a cool doc, but I got an operation date much sooner than I had anticipated.

Perhaps the strangest thing about this particular surgery is the fact that I have worked directly for them in the recent past. I have worked on their printers, their computers, their network equipment. Well it got me thinking... "what if I didn't do a good job? What if we charged too much? What if... Blah blah blah. I thought to myself, "no everything will be ok" But what if their system crashes while they are processing my invoice? "Shut up" I said to myself. Everything is going to be ok. The office staff were looking at me in that "what are you doing here - we don't have any computer problems" kind of way when I walked in the door. "I have an appointment" I announced. Once they understood why I was there, it was all ok... But the funny thing about my profession is this... No matter where you go or what you do, people will badger you for free tech support. The doctor's surgery is no exception to this rule. The transfer station is no excetion to this rule. The public toilets are no exception either ( I kid you not). So after a quick lesson in how to set up a home network...

The next thing I know (after the sign here and sign there thing) I was dropping my daks for inspection... Not the 'have you cleaned your room' type of inspection, but in a much more informal 'oh, by the way' I need to see your nads' kinda way. I could tell he'd done this before (phew***). "Actually a thousand times" he'd said in a reassuring way whilst tweaking and probing at my manbits.

It was a bit weird I must confess. He was a bit rough too. I resisted the urge to crack the wise guy jokes like "so soon, but we hardly know eachother , how about a kiss first, or I don't do this for just anyone" gags. "Yep there's one" and "Yep, there's the other one" He confidently announced after a brief and very clinical exploration. Thank god I thought to myself. You see the last doctor couldn't seem to find the one on the right. It must be difficult to find a 'Vas.' I thought I pretty well knew where everything was on my own body, but I must admit, the vas is one of those illusive and rarely explored areas. I got the usual "hmm that's not good" sort of reply during the examination. "Well yeah, it looks like you're going to have to go 'under' for this one." I Can't say that gave me an abundance of confidence really.

Jesus, what am I getting myself into? This was supposed to be a thirty minute procedure, then back to work...Not a testiculectomy (I made that word up) in hospital for a day! Man this was supposed to be easy....

FLASHBACK::::::; First doctor- "well, you see we just make a small incision here, then snip here, then snip there and then a few sutures and (in most cases) you go back to work". "simple."

Far out, nothing seems that it could be further from the truth. "So doctor, you see the last surgeon I saw, said that I'd have to see a specialist and have a general anaesthetic. "Hmm, yes I can see that you're a big man."
What the???? I had no idea what he was referring to but it left me wondering "am I too fat to have a local or something???" but decided against a cross-examination,; afterall he's the doctor right? Anyway back to the story... He thumbed through the pages of his diary as I pulled my pants up. "How does Friday sound?" Jesus! "This Friday" I asked? He went on to explain that there had been one guy who had pulled out of his op on Friday. "Yeah book me in!" I happily exclaimed. I was really thinking, "lets get this bloody thing over and done with before I change my mind!"So there I was, left naked and alone...oh hang on thats a different story. LOL...

Well, after I filled in the 3 and one half pages of questions it was time for a squeeze of the monetary kind. And did I cough??? "Geez, I hope he does a good job" i thought to myself. Well here I am left wondering how it will all go, making final preparations, salutations and all the rest.
Wish me luck!