Access denied

Growing up as a child for me, also meant growing up with dogs. Dogs were fantastic companions for us kids. Whenever boredom struck, we would invent new and exciting ways to annoy the dogs. An example of one such way was to pit both dogs against each other in a tug of war. Any object would do. My sisters barbie dolls were an excellent starter for the war to begin: Rope is more practical but let’s face it, executing barbie is the ultimate form of sibling revenge. (I do love you dearly Heather!)
One thing about dogs, is their uncanny ability to learn new and interesting ways to destroy inanimate objects (such as antique furniture, clothes pegs, towels and exotic hardwood Decking), by way of the super duper canine tooth. In fact, I recall to my horror, one of the trusty family pets handily removing the heels of both my new adidas basketball boots as a teenager. I tried to rescue them, wiping away the slobber to reveal that not only had he removed the heels, but the logos and the tongues as well. Arrrrgh!!!
This brings me back to Alan, who unlike our dogs, has no giant canine teeth or the desire to chew on smelly sneakers; yet seems to learn in a similar way to old Sam the friendly pooch. You see, when Sam was hurt, he always displayed courage. He showed determination and a shot of ingenuity as well. But above all things, Sam was cunning.
Alan is cunning too. What Alan apparently needs, is to be protected from the evil that lurks around every corner, the evil that threatens to consume his every thought and action…Yes people, Alan needs to be protected from Alan. That’s right, Alan’s worst enemy is himself. And just like old Sam the Labrador, we’ve had to put the proverbial ice-cream bucket around his head to stop him from licking his own wounds.
So Phil dives for the phone. In his head he’s thinking “is this guy for real?” “He’s just experimenting” I quickly interjected… No, no, no, no cried Phil into the handpiece. “But what should I do?” whimpered the desperate and sleep deprived voice on the other end. “I’m afraid this time, you must bring it in!” *enter dramatic music*
This implies many things; some of which imply other things too (of which are beyond the scope of this story right now) :But of those things, one thing in particular was for certain (and other things that are implied by this certainty are also certain to be implied)… Security was being called in.

Not the Rottweilers or the dopey, buff dudes in the white SECURITY T-shirts, but… *enter yet more dramatic music* Windows security…
Yep I can hardly believe it, but we have actually had to restrict a customer to a limited user account on his own computer. Of course he understands what this means, and agrees that it is for his own good. In fact it was Alan’s idea to start with, sort of. It all started when he asked “is there any way that you can stop me from stuffing everything up?” Well, numerous things came to mind (yeah they are also out of scope) including the idea of restricting him to a limited user status- which I quickly dismissed as outrageous, thinking that the crime did not fit the punishment, as it were: But Phil was quick to impose the new restrictions. And I must admit, with little thought on the matter, I agreed.
So here was Alan, shiny new PC in hand walking into the store for what was to become an historical moment. Imagine getting a new car… Now imagine that you can only drive it to or from a prearranged location, no spontaneous trips to stave off boredom, no fun-day Sunday drives . Imagine that you can only travel alone (with the sun visor down and all the doors securely locked) and could never break any speed limit, run any red light or fail to give way at any intersection. Sure it would be a very safe trip… But how boring!
I’m sure that some of you know what I mean… Most medium and large businesses now impose such restrictions on their staff. Whether it’s for ‘security’ or in the interest of increased productivity, most of us have restricted access to programs and network related applications such as email and the WWW. Alan now joins you from his home in restricted-user-land.
Like a prisoner inside his own head, he cannot browse to the ends of the ‘Internet Earth.’ Nor can he ever try his hands at becoming a hacker, or even become a victim of a hacker himself (theoretically speaking). This is because Alan’s virtual hands are tied behind his virtual back. Alan can’t delete anything that he did not already put there himself, and worst of all, he is restricted to what he can actually put there in the first place.
It’s like becoming an infant again. He must ask us for permission to install things: He gazes at his screen longingly, like a dog lost in the desert when it sees a tree. He wonders what would happen if he clicked ‘yes’ to install that active x control on ‘www.letmehackyourpc.com’ With a hint of romanticism, he remembers the days when he could empty entire folders with just one key-press. Ah the days! Countless reboots and system crashes have been replaced by the soothing sound of ‘doonk’ followed by that reassuring pop-up message… ‘ACCESS DENIED.’

The final installment in my story about Alan is in regard to a phishing trip on an unchartered website. "You see Alan; pirates do still exist" I explained. "You will encounter pirates whist surfing, and when you do, they will normally be phishing."

With a furrowed brow, Alan struggled to get my meaning: This one really confused him.
"So there are fishermen on the internet who are really pirates?" Uhuh? Right... "Yes!... um... No... Not really, but sort of, yeah." OK, you ever get the feeling that you've just dug a hole that you can't get out of? Well at about this moment, I decided to stop digging and change the subject...

"Yahoo's Seven website is a great place to go." (thinking that he couldn't get into any trouble there.) Well guess what??? He clicks on the movie link and somehow finds the link to watch pay per view TV on his computer right? Then can't make it work of course... "You have to pay for that Alan!" "That's why it won't work, man"

With my patients severely tested, and my head full of things I'd like to say, but would never... I ended the conversation with words of encouragement and praise for his brave exploration of that massive online world called cyber-space.

Happy phishing!