A Sticky Situation. (not for the old or infirm)

Today I had my routine, post vasectomy check up. It all went well until I asked about the non-regulation quad infiltration wounds… Now before I go any further, be warned, this is about that vasectomy stuff. So if you have sensitive eyes, look away now.

“Hmm, well you see It will all be back to normal soon” He replied. I knew I had been ignored in the most polite way, but being left with distinctly unfulfilled curiosity, I had to press on with questioning the man. Eventually, sensing my concern he asked “do you feel ok.” I replied “If only the pain would go away, perhaps I would feel ok.” I said. “It would be ok: except for the fact that I still feel like my testes have been hammered by a Japanese sword smith!”

Ouch!!! “Now it’s just pissing me off, especially the left one.” “Hmm, yes I think I know why too,” he added. Anyway, he went on to say that he did the right side (which is ok) and the ‘registrar’ did the left side which is still causing considerable pain and discomfort. Now I am not sure what a registrar is exactly- however, I’m tipping that he/she/they were considerably less experienced than the surgeon himself.

OMG, I am so not going through this again. - So out comes this rather large specimen jar, complete with attractive yellow screw top lid and encompassing white information label (that is blank for now). All I could think at the time when it came into view, was ‘you’ve got to be joking’ this is going to take ages to fill!

“Fear not” the surgeon quickly responded as he whacked the jar down in the middle of his broad mahogany desk. It sat for a moment, drawing my focus totally as he continued “now I know you don’t have tickets on yourself son, so I don’t expect you to fill it right to the top. Hehehe” “Just a few drops will do, but I’m sure you won’t have any problems with a little more than that.” I uncomfortably shrugged my shoulders nodding my head. “Look: just fire a shot into the cup, pop it under your armpit and drop it into pathology on your way to work. Tell em’ Dr. A sent you”

Great, now I feel like I’ve been crossed between a sperm donor and a guinea pig. “Manual extraction is best… you know masturbation, but you may find it easier to extract it during intercourse” He added. “Before ejaculation, let it rip in this cup.”
OK. No problem, no worries. Even if I will feel like a human incubator, travelling to work with a jar of semen under my armpit: I can handle it. But hang on…How am I going to explain it to anyone if I am caught in some sort of unexpected situation? What if I get pulled over by the cops or something? Do I hand it to Tom to keep warm? Sorry can you put this under your arm for a minute bro? Eeeewwwww!!!!!!!!! I don’t think so! Anyway, it’ll be another two months before I submit any ‘specimens.’

“Whatever you do, don’t put it in the fridge before brekkie or anything like that- because the poor little critters won’t survive that. We want em’ while they’re still warm.” Dr. A said. Lovely, I thought: Just dandy: and oh so romantic too… NOT.

Ok, he summarised. Do this, this and this, then pow: pop on the top and hop into your car and go. “Oh and don’t forget to take the slip of paper with you. I exited the building feeling strangely satisfied in the knowledge that this is all apparently quite normal. But still knowing deep down that it was oh so unusual, no matter how I thought about it.

Crikey… The things we do for peace of mind…